34 and Holding

"The LORD will fight for you, you need only to be still."

Exodus 14:14


This is the verse that I have held tight to this past week.  Just "being still" goes against everything I want to do right now.  I want to decorate my house for the holiday season, I want to take my little girls' hand as she learns to walk around the house, I want to be in the football stadium cheering among the other fans.  But what I want more than any of these things is to hold my healthy baby boy when he is born.  So in the meantime I will just be still.  


Friday, November 26th marked another milestone that we were hoping to accomplish.  As I write this post I am 34 weeks and 3 days pregnant.  It was exactly a month ago that I was put in the hospital and told that my body was shutting down and would maybe last another week being pregnant.  Oh how sweet the words of Exodus 14 sound! 


I went to the doctor this morning and mama and baby look great! 
So now the plan is 10 days and counting.  Of course if things take a turn for the worse I will be put in the hospital immediately to be induced.  
But if we can remain stable for 10 more days I will be put in the hospital on December 9th and induced on the 10th.  December 10th marks 36 weeks. Making 36 weeks is something that seemed so unattainable at one point.  When will I learn that with God ALL things are possible? 

33 Weeks

Another week has come and gone to cross off the pregnancy calendar.  I am praising God for His faithfulness and for answering our prayers.  I am already two weeks further in my pregnancy than the doctors thought I would get.  Every time I go to my appointments the nurses, doctors and office staff give me a thumbs up and say "yay, you're still pregnant!" And then some of them ask me if I want to apply for a job there since I'm around the office just as much as they are. :) 

Last week I was hopeful that this would be a relatively smooth week and for the most part it has been...until yesterday.  

I went in to have my weekly NST done and the monitor showed that Baby Boy was possibly having some decelerations in his heart rate.  So I was sent back to the hospital for hours of more monitoring.  Well as it turns out he was not having decels, but I was having contractions 3-5 minutes apart.  Lovely.  The last time this happened at 30 weeks I was put in the hospital and put on Magnesium.

To make a long story short, over the course of 7 hours I was given shots to slow down my contractions and sent home with medicine to keep them at bay.  I have started to dilate but not enough to keep me in the hospital.  Since my blood pressure has not spiked high again, the doctors want to keep me on the meds at least until next Friday - when I am 34 weeks.  

Please pray along with us that I can healthily stay pregnant at least one more week from today.  To make 34 weeks has been my goal for a while now and I am excited that this week will mark that milestone.  

My (Almost) 15 Month Old

One of the hardest things, if not the hardest things for me during this pregnancy has been not being Lucy Mills' primary caregiver.  I have been on bed rest for over seven weeks now and I feel  so guilty for missing this period in her life.

I am thankful for Travis, my parents, my in laws, and some great babysitters who have stepped in for me to love and care for my child.  Lord knows she is an active girl on the go who can take up all your energy most days! 

 Even though being away from her has been a struggle for me, Lucy Mills is soaking up all the attention from everyone in and out of our house.  

 I know that I am doing what I have to do to take care of this baby and myself, but this little girl has been my world these past 14 and 1/2 months.  She is growing up so fast and I don't want to miss out on any of it.

Lucy Mills,

You must have inherited your mother's stubbornness because you refuse to walk on your own.  You stand up all the time and push your shopping cart or choo choo train all around the house.  You run with it in fact, but you refuse to let go and walk by yourself.  Are you going to make Mommy carry around two babies? 

You babble on all day long from the moment you are awake until you are go to sleep.  You mimmick our words and sentences and point to whatever you are talking about.  You love to say babies, (ma nana) bananas, appa (apple), nah nah (Maggie), hi mama, hi dada, wa wa (water) and pumpkin.  You are now trying to put words and sentences together.  We don't always understand you but can eventually understand what you mean.  You adore reading books and sound like you are fluent in Chinese when you read aloud.  
You despise having your diaper and clothes changed.  It sounds like we are chopping off your legs or something when you are being changed.  
Your favorite game now is peek-a-boo but you like to cover up my eyes and do it.  
You are still taking two good two hour naps a day and sleeping 12 hours through the night.  (I sure wish I could say the same for me!)
You clap your hands and smile the biggest, brightest smile when you are excited to see someone.  
We took down a big mirror that was no longer needed in the dining room, and for the time being propped it up against the wall in our room.  Well you have found a little girl who looks a lot like you to play with in the reflection!  You play peek-a-boo in the mirror, you dance, and you hit the glass in pure excitement.  Sometimes you point to it and say "baby?" 


Lucy Mills, you are the joy of our lives and I can't wait to have life back to normal our simple routine. 

This Journey

Well a few weeks ago I had all the intention in the world to update this blog regularly.  Sometimes the best laid plans go by the wayside.  

"I will delight to do Your will, O my God;

Your law is within my heart."

-Psalm 40:8

On Monday, November 1st my preeclampsia began to take over and get the best of me.  At my doctors appointment that morning things did not go in my favor.  My blood pressure was creeping up which started to affect my neurological system, and I was having contractions every 3-5 minutes.  With all of this going on at a mere 30 weeks pregnant, my doctor (and several other docs who have been keeping tabs on me) were not hopeful.  

I asked her how much longer she thought I could carry this baby, and she responded 

"I think you have a week left in you."

She left the room and I crumbled into an ocean of tears.

No, it's not time, it's too soon, he's not ready were all the thoughts swimming through my frazzled and exhausted brain.

Moments later I was sent to the hospital to be stabilized.  I was put on fluids, oxygen and (my nemesis) Magnesium.  Later that day I was transferred to another local hospital equipped with a high risk maternity unit and the best NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) in the state.

"The Lord is the one who goes ahead of you;

 He will be with you.

He will not fail you or forsake you.

Do not fear or be dismayed."

-Deuteronomy 31:8

Lets just say bed rest at home is MUCH better than bed rest in the hospital.  I won't complain about all the details here but it was a very, very hard week for me.  

The silver lining in the cloud was that I have never felt more covered in prayers.  My family and friends immediately stepped in to be at the hospital with me, take care of Lucy Mills 24/7, and reach out to me in countless ways.  I am in awe and feel so undeserving of their graciousness.  

"I cried out of my distress to the Lord and He answered me.

I cried for help from the depth...

You heard my voice."

-Jonah: 2:2

After a week in the hospital the high risk doctor let me come home for a 24-48 hour period. Well a few nights sleep in my own bed must have bought me some more time.  I remained stable enough to stay home and be monitored in the office and hospital 2-3 days a week. 

I have surely seen the power of prayer.  My numbers have been perfectly stable for two weeks now.  On November 1st the goal was to make 32 weeks and still be pregnant.  

Goal = Accomplished

Now we are praying every week to make one more Friday.  My goal now is to make Thanksgiving with this little turkey still in the oven.  

I know from past experience that preeclampsia does not get better, it gets worse and it gets worse fast.  The only cure is to deliver the baby.  

Even though I have been stable these past two weeks, Baby Boy has given us a little trouble.  Out of the five (yes, five insurance company!) ultrasounds I had this week he has not been breathing like he should.  Each time he does not cooperate I am sent to the hospital for 3 hours of monitoring and another ultrasound.  This happened three times this week alone.

Eventually he does what the doctor needs to see but it is somewhat concerning that he may be struggling with the task.  It does not indicate a lung problem, but instead that the preeclampsia is beginning to take a toll on him.  

Each week the doctor will determine if Baby Boy is getting what he needs from me, or if the preeclampsia is compromising his wellbeing and he would fare better on the outside.  

"Before I shaped you in the womb, I knew all about you.

Before you saw the light of day,

I had holy plans for you" 

-Jeremiah 1:5, MSG

My prayer is that we will both healthily make it to 34-35 weeks before inducing.  Of course longer would be great, but I think that is a reasonable goal.  I would love to be able to deliver at Lexington with my doctors and be closer to home.  I trust the Lord knows what we need and will put us where He wants us.  

This week I will also be seeing a high risk doctor who specializes in maternal assessment.  After three trips to the hospital this week I hope this will be a relatively normal week.  The entire experience is both emotionally and physically exhausting for all of us.  

My sweet friend Carrie sent me the words from this praise song and my sister Susan also bought me the cd.  I meditate on its words when the days seem dark.

Water You turned into wine
Open the eyes of the blind
There’s no one like You
None like You
Into the darkness You shine
Out of the ashes we rise
There’s no one like You
None like You

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…

Into the darkness you shining
Out of the ashes we Rise
There’s no One like You
None like You.

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…

And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
What can stand against?

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…

And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
And if Our God is for us, then who can ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
Then what can stand against?
Then what can stand against?

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God… 

-Chris Tomlin

And of course these two bring so much joy.

(picture taken from my phone)

This Week

Thank you family and friends (and even people we don't know) who are praying and supporting us during this time.  There are things going on that can only be attributed to the power of prayer.  

As most of you know I do not want to be put in the hospital or put on medication unless it is absolutely necessary.  It has already been a difficult adjustment on my end to release the daily care of my child (as well as everything else in my "normal" life) to those helping us.  I don't want to be away from Travis or Lucy Mills for what could be an extended period of time.  

Last week I was in and out of my doctor's office and hospital four times.  I had two scheduled visits and two "you need to get here now" visits.  Even though I have been on strict bed rest at home my blood pressure would still spike pretty high throughout the day and night.   The high pressure accompanied with horrible headaches, dizziness, and other unpleasantries my doctor has been concerned to say the least.

Each time I went into the doctor, certain I would hear news that I didn't want to hear, my pressure would suddenly lower and she would let me go home.  One day during a phone conversation with her after having a high pressure, she said she wanted me to come and be evaluated and to discuss our plan of going into the hospital.  So I went in.

* My pressure came down and she sent me home. *

The next day at my appointment, I met with a different doctor who was also ready to admit me.  She even said that medication and hospital stay are not a matter of if but when.  She said she was ready to "check me into the big house."

* My pressure came down and she sent me home. *

After high pressures Thursday night and Friday morning the doctor called me back into her office.  By now I was feeling really crummy and was tired of all the back and forth.  After praying with my mom over the phone I finally surrendered this to God.  If His will was hospital stay my heart was willing.

* My pressure came down and she sent me home. *

Don't get me wrong, I in no way want to put my health or Baby's Boy's well being in jeopardy.  If the doctor's order is medication and hospital stay I'm there.  My homebody, find security in the familiar, loves sleeping in my own bed, waking up to my two loves everyday, self just prefers to stay home as long as I can afford to.  

While I know we serve a big God who answers our specific requests, it is amazing to see them played out on this scale.  My hope is that in all of this that He will be most glorified.  

In the midst of Mommy being away, these two are getting plenty of quality time in! 

And we are all doing what's necessary to prepare for Baby Boy's arrival.

Again, we are so appreciative to everyone who has reached out to us.  I hope that I will one day be able to be the friend that so many have been to me.

Please continue to pray for us.

At my doctor's appointment yesterday my blood pressure was the lowest it's been in weeks!  

Specifically pray for Baby Boy and his breathing and lung development.  At least once a week I am hooked up to monitors for a period of time to see how he is handling this.  The last two times he has had some decelerations in his breathing and that led to more ultrasounds.  The doctor needs to see his diaphram moving more to show that he isn't struggling.  

As a mother I would rather hear that I am struggling rather than my child.  But he is God's, not mine and I daily need to surrender this.

I am 30 weeks pregnant this week.  The goal is 35-36.

Lets hope I don't go crazy inside my four walls between now and then.  :) 

Bed Rest, Baby Boy, and Updates

I typically use this blog to document the happenings of our family, in particularly our sweet Lucy Mills.  It captures the highlights, fun moments, and milestones that I know could all too quickly fade out of my memory.  I also want to use it to remember this period in our family's story because I want to look back and see God's faithfulness.  


Here is an email I sent to my closest girlfriends who I can count on to pray for me and Baby Boy:

Hi sweet friends,

First of all a huge thank you to all of you who have prayed for us, called, emailed, texted, visited, brought us meals, run errands and offered to be available during this time.  I figured I would send an email out to update you all and ask for your continued prayers.  

Two weeks ago (at 26 weeks pregnant) I went to the hospital and found out I have preeclampsia (again) and would need to be on bed rest.  Well I probably did not take it as strictly as I should and last Wednesday night I was back in the hospital through Thursday with my blood pressure spiking the highest it's ever been.  My doctor does not want to put me on medications because there could be complications with it and it would make me feel miserable.  She thinks my BP will stay down if I stay on strict bed rest.  On Thursday and Friday I was given steroid shots to speed up the development of Baby Boy's lungs. Saturday I did more monitoring and testing.  I am 29 weeks pregnant this week and the goal is to get to at least 36 weeks.  Given how I have been feeling the last few days it will be a miracle to make it that long.  But we serve a God who is in the business of miracles and I am asking for your prayers in this area.

God has provided for our every need in this situation and I am confident that He will carry us through.  I am praying specifically:

- that Baby Boy will be born as close to 36 weeks as possible - with mature lungs, a healthy weight, no complications

- that my BP can be controlled on bed rest - without meds and without being put in the hospital permanently

- my doctors will have wisdom on how to treat me

- that Lucy Mills (and Travis) will continue to adjust to life with Mommy in the bed (Maggie is the only happy one about this whole situation!) 

Thank you sisters in Christ. Your friendship means the world to me right now.

Lil

**Update**

I went to the doctor this morning and had an ultrasound done.  Baby Boy looked so sweet and cute in there! His little hands were tucked under his chin and his heart beat was steady and strong.  The doctor said that even though he is wreaking havoc on my body, he is weathering the storm well.  And praise God - he is measuring close to two weeks ahead of schedule! I was comforted by this in the event that he is born premature.  

There was mixed news with me.  My blood work and uric acid levels look great and have even come down some.  However, my blood pressure remains high and I have also had dizziness and headaches which are worrisome.  She wants to monitor me in the hospital for at least a 48 hour period of time.  (boo!)  She almost admitted me tonight but  at the last minute said that I could stay home tonight unless my headache got worse.  I think we are looking at extended hospital stay in the near future.  

A day ago I would have balled my eyes out about being away from Travis and Lucy Mills.  

But the Lord has filled me with a peace in a place where there was anxiety yesterday.

Where there were days of feeling like I can't make it,

I now feel like I am being carried through this. 

After seeing my precious baby boy on the ultrasound I feel the desire to fight for everyday he can stay inside of me. I will do whatever it takes to protect his little life.  I hope that one day he will read this blog and know that he was always meant to be a part of this family.  

Here is Baby Boy's profile shot.
Ignore the big lips...Lucy Mills had that look too! 

Thank you family and friends for your continued prayers.  They are working! 

Bed Rest and Bones

It is my FAVORITE time of year again - fall!  Cooler temperatures, walks outside, football games, tailgating, the state fair, trick-or-treaters, and all things pumpkin related.  Only I will be enjoying the beauty of these things from the loveliness of my bedside.  Yes, this mama has been put on bed rest indefinitely.  You see this is a familiar theme with me because I developed preeclampsia when I was pregnant with Lucy Mills, but I only spent the last month or so off my feet...not the last THREE.  My immediate reaction was to burst into tears and think of all the whys and hows of my predicament.  
Why is this happening again? 
How am I going to take care of my 13 month old mama's girl? 
Laundry? Dishes? Groceries? Ah!


But when I am still and quiet before the Lord I am reminded that "in all things God works for the good of those who love him" (Romans 8:28).  The Bible doesn't say "in some things" or "most of the time" but ALL the time.  


So yes this is hard for me and yes I have a pity party most days, but I choose to believe that the Lord is sovereign and I would rather trust His plans than my own narrow minded one.  


And God provides.
I am humbled and amazed at the outpouring of support we have received from family and friends. Our parents have stepped in BIG TIME, our friends have brought us meals, offered to look after my child, run errands for me, clean my house and whatever it takes to get through this season.  For that is what it is - a season.  
I am beyond thankful for these provisions, these people, and for this precious baby boy I am carrying.  
Dare I say I am even thankful for bed rest? Yes.  
It is during these life moments when I see the sweetness of God and His love for us. 


So you might ask what goes on at your house during bed rest? 


Well, a lot of this...

A little of reorganizing...

and rearranging...toddler style. 

We are still celebrating the festive season of October - even if it's in our PJ's! 

Doesn't she make one cute little bag of bones?